Impact of dementia on marriage and ways to cope

Dementia is a chronic disease. This means that current medication and therapies cannot cure it, only control it to a certain degree. For a loved one of a person with dementia, accepting and coping with this realization, isn’t easy. The spouse of the person with dementia is often the primary caregiver. The nature of the disease is such that the dynamics of the relationship change from being romantic to caregiving.The diagnosis of dementia given to a spouse, changes the already set dynamic of roles and expectations that may have been steady for a long time. Before the actual loss of the person, a great loss is felt of the person’s independence, company, and support. This loss leads to an on-going grief and the journey for the caregiver and is painful and exhausting.

Challenges faced with a person with dementia

Many spouses share their grief on how caring for their partner with dementia affects them:

• “I have had to learn how to manage finances, pay bills, and manage bank account. I can’t rely on him to do that anymore.”
• “It is so very painful to see someone who was so sharp, confident and brilliant, struggling for words.”
• “He doesn’t talk much, but he listens.”
• “I miss her cooking. She was so fond of it and now she can’t do any of it.”
• “We used to go for walks in the park every evening. I miss going to the park with her, I have not gone in months.”
• “It’s almost like living with a stranger.”
• “I have lost touch with all my friends at the club. I can’t leave the house for long or he will panic.”
• “Sometimes I worry about what I will do if she forgets who I am.”
• “I have to take all the decisions now. I feel like I have no one I can consult.”

The less than perfect marriage

When you have a spouse with dementia, chasing a perfect marriage becomes an unrealistic goal. A change of perspective, where you accept some of the changing dynamics of your relationship will prevent you from feeling burdened, guilty, and unhappy. While it’s normal to take time to adjust to all this loss, finding a new balance in your relationship becomes important. It’s a way to accept the changing circumstances while retaining the relationship in its new format.

You may be grieving the loss of an intellectual conversation, or even a regular conversation with your partner, but you might find contentment in just sitting with them and listening to music. This is when accepting the less than perfect marriage and cherishing the pleasant moments in it will make the loss more bearable.

A different kind of contentment

You may explore some other activities to do with your spouse considering their capacities. Such activities may be comforting to both of you and can help you maintain your bond with them.

• Listening to old songs that you are both familiar with
• Sharing a meal together
• Reading a story
• Reminiscing old memories and talking about the good old times
• Looking at old photographs
• Babysitting grandchildren together
• Going for a walk
• Colouring or painting
• Watching TV or an old familiar movie

Dementia also affects intimacy in a marriage. In general, relationships differ in the type and level of intimacy that the partners share. Our need for intimate contact also changes as we age. This is especially true when one partner has a progressing dementia. In the light of such changes, you may want to consider ways to keep the intimacy intact. You can find new ways to connect such as cuddling or massaging. You may engage in other meaningful and intimate activities like talking. You can share your feelings about your changing desires to your partner or someone else you trust as such feelings may leave you feel lonely or even rejected. Do what feels best for you as there is no single approach that works best for every couple.

Do not overburden yourself

There is another reason to try to not seek out perfection. As caregivers, it becomes hard to find time for yourself and equally hard to accept help from others. It’s important for the sake of the relationship that you seek out and take support, such as from other family members, or respite care services. Trying to meet impossible expectations will leave you feeling exhausted, angry and hopeless. This would be harmful for the spouse with dementia and for you. Taking out time for yourself is likely to help you connect better with your spouse when you’re with them.

We at Samvedna Care aim to help seniors live happy, active and independent lives, in the comfort of their home and community through interactive caregiving.

Samvedna Care was established in October 2013 with two complementary goals – firstly to provide quality home care services to seniors with limited mobility or dementia and hence social interaction, and secondly to facilitate stimulating community interaction and participation.

Cognitive Wellness Programme, Sector 57  Gurgaon  –
Samvedna’s Cognitive Wellness Programme is designed for seniors with mild cognitive impairment, early dementia or Parkinson’s, and elderly lacking in enthusiasm and motivation. The aim is to stimulate the mind of the elderly to slow the progression of the disease or impairment. The sessions are 3 days a week, 11AM-1PM.
More – http://www.samvednacare.org/our-work/cognitive-wellness-programme

Our Dementia Care services are –

At-home services –
Dementia intervention activities by trained Care Specialists (already mentioned above). These services are available in Delhi NCR and Guwahati
More – Dementia Care Services
Please call us for more info – Delhi NCR – 98184 21446, 124 4229659 | Guwahati – 9864015872

Dementia Support Group –
Our Dementia Support group in Delhi NCR and Guwahati is a platform for caregivers to share feelings and support each other.
Please call us for more info – Delhi NCR – 98184 21446, 124 4229659 | Guwahati – 9864015872